Depression, angst, anxiety
We hear these words all too often. Some feel them all to closely. When one is looking off the edge of the psychological cliff into the massive vastness where truths are lies and lies are truths and the daunting blackness of pure unknown, it is a journey and a feeling that one can only describe within themselves. I am no stranger to my own personal darkness. I've hid it quite well. Smiles can lie for miles.
Over the past couple of years I have been off and on with a film that can describe my depression. I needed to work on something that could see me through it. That's what I have found in my life. Art can heal, art can show the way out of depression, grief, anger and even superficial happiness. Depression has many looks and affects many different people in many ways.
For instance: There was one time when I was heavily weighted with the ambition of my own imaginations, so heavy that I lay on the bathroom floor wanting to cease from existence. I do not know how long I was there, until my dear friend walks in, thinking I am overdosed on something. The weight was so heavy that I did not want to speak even to her anymore, I didn't care about a dog around me, I didn't even care about having my kids around me. I wanted to cease. Then, a couple hours later... I would make a performance in front of a large crowd as if I wasn't lying on the bathroom floor hours earlier ready to imagine myself extinct.
It's amazing that feelings of loneliness and isolation can be healed in places of loneliness and isolation. There are many walks in the southern Utah desert I have taken that has fulfilled my questions, grudging wounds and sadness that any organized religion, doctrine or teachings ever can. At one moment I was standing at the base of mountain, I looked up and said "This is limitless and ageless. Buildings are limited and blocked off."
It is very strange to think about it now. When I was younger, there are so many memories in front of the television. The shows I watched, the movies I dreamed about, the stories that shaped my childhood. I knew at a very young age I wanted to be a storyteller. Stories are what shape our very existence, from religion to entertainment, stories are all around. We are who we are because of the story we have told to ourselves.
When I was pursuing a college career. I was taking my generals with a focus on a digital film major. The screenwriting class was being taught by a professor who clearly had all the credentials a professor needed. Yet, when asked how many feature screenplays the screenwriting teacher had written. The answer was, "currently in the middle of two feature length scripts".... My mind started racing. "Wait, I am sitting here in a class with a professor who is in the same boat as me?" Well, whether my ego or stubbornness or both. I didn't really finish the semester of college because... what was the point?
Creativity cannot be taught
Fast forward a few years and some amazing lessons that were taught. I decided to leave that college career (and debt) to start finding a career by actually working on film sets and seeing how it is all done. I can honestly say what I have learned. 100% of the film sets that I was on, I met more people who did not finish a college career in finding the career they wanted. Which has led me to believe that: If you want to be an educator or a teacher... go to college. If you want to work in a different field or line of work... go and apprentice or study under that line of work. Very , very simple.
Mass shootings (total of 1661 people killed in 2018) is a tragedy and sadly a spectacle for the media. Opioids have taken 72,000 people in 2018, this is a plague.
We have recently witnessed the mass hysteria that comes with mass shootings. It always appears that time goes by, social media flaunts achievements, family drama posts, animal videos and then all of a sudden almost everyone throws their arms up about gun control and the need to avert the next mass shooting. While, silently, many, many and many more are quietly killed through the mass production and greed of big pharma, that hardly and rarely gets quite the air time as does mass shootings.
I hope to not sound insensitive when it comes to mass shootings. As I have stated prior, they are certainly a tragedy and a horrible circumstance in life. However, in my own personal story and life, I have witnessed many more taken by this plague of pills. Plagues are silent in their destruction. Yet, we can see the root of the problem is always greed. You think the people responsible for creating these medications take them, themselves? No way in hell they will. They know what they can do and what they can do is big business.
There are certainly other ways for treatment and healing the human body. People tend to think that just because their is a medical symbol on something that is the only way. It is not the only way. Time has proven that. Pills will certainly be the plague of this generation, because this generation has grown to want the most and quickest way to optimal health and we have been deceived on how to achieve optimal health. "Take 35 of these pills each morning and you will achieve optimal health."
We are loosing are friends and family members in a society under "In money we trust" We don't have "In God we trust" printed on our money for nothing. We've been sold, bought and distributed. It is my opinion that most of these mass shooters were on some sort of opioid trip that led them to the tragic consequence. Unfortunately, it is easier to blame the tool for not working rather than the architect who built it. There are rumors that Steve Jobs did not care for his children to have the technology that he was the architect of. What does that say? The same goes for the architects of these opioids. Do they allow themselves or people they love to take them? I would argue again, no way in hell. So why should we?
Be on guard, always. It is a big pill to swallow when you understand that most people do not have you in their best interest. On a positive note, we can fight this drug of disease and pill oppression by being their for others and letting laughter and love be the best medicine in our relationships. I know I need more of that :)
Throw back to over a year ago. It's funny reading over the comments and how people think that a "viral" video means success. It's not. Success only comes with hard/smart work, dedication, sacrifice, seeing yourself as you are, rather than how someone else sees or perceives you. It's a funny little world we live in. The only payout that has been nice about this moment in time with my daughter has been the notes from people around the world. How they watch this when they are feeling down and it helps brighten their day, or that it reminds them of their dad. This video has been something I've had to "let go". It has helped me realize that not all moments in life need to be public or shared. I was faced with certain choices after this video for sure. A decision I made was to "let it go". People have been perplexed why I haven't "capitalized" on it. It was more nerve-racking for me with something I didn't want to bring more onto my child being thrust onto a world stage when she has no idea what it's about. I don't even know what it's about. That's a choice I didn't want to make for her just so dad can "capitalize" on something. I am happy that so many have enjoyed the moment.
Sometimes when we are lucky that inspiration hits. Just messing around with a song and lyrics, don't know what it really means but here it is