Depression, angst, anxiety
We hear these words all too often. Some feel them all to closely. When one is looking off the edge of the psychological cliff into the massive vastness where truths are lies and lies are truths and the daunting blackness of pure unknown, it is a journey and a feeling that one can only describe within themselves. I am no stranger to my own personal darkness. I've hid it quite well. Smiles can lie for miles.
Over the past couple of years I have been off and on with a film that can describe my depression. I needed to work on something that could see me through it. That's what I have found in my life. Art can heal, art can show the way out of depression, grief, anger and even superficial happiness. Depression has many looks and affects many different people in many ways.
For instance: There was one time when I was heavily weighted with the ambition of my own imaginations, so heavy that I lay on the bathroom floor wanting to cease from existence. I do not know how long I was there, until my dear friend walks in, thinking I am overdosed on something. The weight was so heavy that I did not want to speak even to her anymore, I didn't care about a dog around me, I didn't even care about having my kids around me. I wanted to cease. Then, a couple hours later... I would make a performance in front of a large crowd as if I wasn't lying on the bathroom floor hours earlier ready to imagine myself extinct.
It's amazing that feelings of loneliness and isolation can be healed in places of loneliness and isolation. There are many walks in the southern Utah desert I have taken that has fulfilled my questions, grudging wounds and sadness that any organized religion, doctrine or teachings ever can. At one moment I was standing at the base of mountain, I looked up and said "This is limitless and ageless. Buildings are limited and blocked off." This film is a dark spiritual journey of mine with a sonnet that I wrote. The sonnet came due to my depression from a car accident and then a subsequent scam that left me with a heavy debt that could barely be fathomed of paying back. This is my depression. I don't own it anymore because I have continually had to let it go.
If we are to walk through our own valley of darkness, no phone communication, no internet. Don't worry, be of good cheer and above all learn to be still.
This film is based upon my depression, sleep paralysis and weird nightmares/dreams I've had.