The great faux people of Utah are no strangers when it comes to masks. We're quite used to it. Religion has been a fantastic mask for people for years. Throwing a physical mask on your face shouldn't be hard to do. There has always been a sense of sweeping things under the rug. I think that is why Utah in a sense is always a "butt" of the joke. Our culture has become cancerous are religion has become cancerous and the passive aggressive way we treat people have become cancerous.
I am still one to not get the mask wearing although I have chosen a career to pull out emotions and other "masks" if you will. It is quite the conundrum to live with. Especially when I'm dealing with Paranoia or cluster A as I have so recently discovered. Basically it's the inability to accept this current reality. I have struggled with this for a while and the dark depression that has accompanied it. I would catch myself and times... many times wondering "what is wrong with me". I get caught up in situations where I blatantly feel someone views me as conceited or stuck up but yet I am screaming from the inside that I don't know how to further this conversation like I used to.
I consider myself a self proclaimed "sociologist". I think we all are to some extent. I have been fascinated with religion and the behaviors other people do because of it. I have also been fascinated by people that choose not to be religious and their behaviors because of that. It is all just quite fascinating. Coming from a deep religious background in the Utah faith, there was this tug, this "small voice" if you will. It has been an interesting exploration of life to discover "I wonder how people would talk to me or treat me if I did this..." And mostly from the close family ties of relationship I have discovered the difference between people acting through conditional love and unconditional love. I have come to find out that there are many who are scared, sad and unknowing just like the rest of the world but this cognitive dissonance that is at the forefront of any strong belief-person is always so present, yet ignored. When a faith or religion is so tightly knit with everyday life but not a physical part of everyday life it creates this un-seen tension as it did in my life. I didn't really know what true peace was until I had to cut ties. And then when you do that, there is a sense of ostracization. This interesting journey of seeing how people act by things you do or say and not necessarily the fact that you exist. I feel religion itself is a cancer in society. Beliefs are not. There is a big difference between the two. Religion is how an organized group functions. A belief system is how an individual functions. I have found that it just doesn't matter why you should think it so important how other's think. It is not your responsibility to make sure that someone else follows the lines, checks the tasks off the list, says so many prayers. It is not your responsibility. I think that is why I am personally having such an eye opening experience and struggle at the same time, having been somewhat well versed in all the scriptural accounts and religious doctrines to see where we are at today. It seems that according to scripture when speaking to the Romans, Paul said "who shall separate from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord"
Now, I have gone and still going through my faith crisis. Not that I have completely written off this belief that I have grown up with but the need to question it always is ever present. I have never seen people so cold to each other before than this time. I am not talking about a fantastical way of looking at Jesus (if there ever was such person, and it's ok to ask that. Stop making people feel like they are just absolute scum of the earth for honestly questioning that.)
This whole "mask-charade" does not line up with the doctrines and "love" that is taught and expressed so much, for years before this. I feel that we are in that time of "run here, run there" "here is your Savoir, there is your Savior". People actually believe that masks will save people from death. Move over Jesus, there is a new Savior in town.
As a kid I was always the "worry wart" or the nervous wreck. I was always terrified, scared, fearful. It wasn't until I had to embrace that fear of the unknown that it strengthened me. When it comes to paranoia, there are so many times that leads to isolating periods because my "mental workspace" just runs rampant with people I've met and I'll believe this "imaginary" plot of what this person thinks of me so much so that I know it fucks with me when we are actually talking in person. It is a struggle I deal with constantly. So many through social media tout "Don't worry about what other people think or say about you." Well, that is a tough situation to deal with when you brain is constantly firing against you and using people you've met as arsenal.
Anyway that's a struggle in life that throws me for too many loops. If I see you out there. Let's talk about it.
“As a writer, you should not judge, you should understand.”